So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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