I cut my penus on the lid.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
