Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Ladies don't puke and tell
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
