I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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