hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
