I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Randomize
