Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
