fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
