pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
