if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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