Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
