I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dear god my vagina.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
