do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
