Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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