i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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