see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
