Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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