I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
