I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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