I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
