Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
