i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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