so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
