just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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