Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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