I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
