Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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