Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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