You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
That accounts for only three of the penises
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
