Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
