so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
