Best friends brother. Beat that.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
