Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
