I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
