high people should be assigned attendants
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
