You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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