You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
