I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
