I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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