I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Randomize
