Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
