my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
