Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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