I just threw up on my dentist
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
