I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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