I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
