he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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