I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
