Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
My feet surprised me
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