he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
